Why I Write

I love queer…it’s an extremely useful polemic term because it is who we say we are, which is, “Fuck You.”

— Spike Pittsberg, Israeli lesbian activist

I stumbled upon this gem of a quote last semester.  It was the final day in a course on queer history and my instructor was, I think, bringing us to the present — asking us to conceptualize contemporary understandings of queerness.  The quote struck me, unexpectedly.  Queerness is usually defined in terms of gender and sexuality, so when I read this quote that described queerness in such broad and fluid terms, I latched onto it.

See, I am, if asked to define myself as rigidly as possible, a heterosexual, cisgendered, feminist.  Admittedly, I’m leaving out some important identities, for reasons that shall be explained quite soon, but in terms of the word queer, I, initally, seem unable to claim the term.  Yet the quote excited me, because it got me thinking…got me asking some questions that had been lurking in the back of my head.  What is queer?  How far can we push the boundaries of its definition?  And specifically for me, can I claim an identity of being a straight, (cisgender), queer feminist?

Problem is, if you ask me, ‘why the term queer?,’ I’m pretty sure all my answers would seem inadequate, or not good enough.  Though I can point to balking at the term “ally” (I feel like I’m more than that) or constantly questioning my sexuality (in terms of how I view attraction, lust, sex, and love)…the devil’s advocate in my head says, ‘So what?  That’s not good enough!  You’re still not using the term properly.’

So I turn back to the quote.  The quote that says FUCK YOU when you try to define me, FUCK YOU when you try to lay claim or impose definitions on words that I use…FUCK YOU when you ask me to reduce my thoughts, feelings, processes — to whittle down the complexity that is my identity to four or five words.

I say FUCK YOU, and maybe that, simply, is why I am queer.

But I haven’t owned the word yet.  I still tread lightly around it, understanding it to be, in some senses, me, and in others, not.  I understand other queer folks might anger over my claiming of the word, might see it as appropriation.  Indeed, my sexuality (as a heterosexual) becomes public only when I deem it necessary.  It’s not an attempt to pass, not by any means, but it feels like I’m being truer to myself and to others by being who I am without the infinite, often inadequate labels.

So the title of this post is “Why I Write,” but it’s nothing about asexuality or bisexuality.  Honestly, I felt that I had to write this first in order to comfortably contribute to our blog.  I needed to establish my identity, my positionality before I start to talk freely about other sexual identities.  I want to establish myself, and the fact that when I contemplate, write, and talk in this space, I do it with the utmost intentionality.  I process, re-process, and process again.  I question myself, question my words, questions my claims.  I check myself, welcome others to check me.  I do this because I understand that only you are able to define yourself…my musings, are just that — (possibly informative, eye-opening, thought-provoking, laughter-inducing) respectful musings.

This is my first time publicly claiming the word queer as mine.  And still, I am not public because I will remain anonymous in this post.  My pen name here will not be used again at any point in this blog (unless, I need to post as me here).  I purposely did not claim very, very salient identities of mine.  Why?  This is my first (public) blog post ever.  I am still trying to reconcile with the fact that my words will be open to the world (in subsequent posts), and in regards to such intimate and personal topics.  It’s a step I need to take, but slowly.  If I stamped my government name on this post, I’d probably have a panic attack.  True, many of my classmates/fellow find(y)ourway bloggers will be able to identify me through this post…but I trust them, and hence, they can know this about me.

I don’t know how to end this.  I don’t know when, if ever, I’ll publicly (like actually publicly, not an anonymous blog post) use the term queer.  Or whether it’s necessary to do so.  Maybe one day I’ll reveal myself completely and claim this post.  Honestly, I’m just happy about the fact that I have said that I am a straight, queer feminist on paper.  I have it in writing.  It was written.

A big huge FUCK YOU to all those to cannot or refuse to accept that.

Posted by Intentionally Anonymous